so where are we with this? ...
well, charis is down to about 2 asks a day (for television), but still has limited ipad privileges (timed). she did watch a movie at a friends house last week while i was at Bible study, but hasn't watched anything at home with us. though we are planning a family outing saturday to see a movie at dragon's stadium with some friends. i'm liking this idea of severely limited tv for her. she's learning to play better on her own and is preferring to spend her time coloring and rolling out play-doh.
derek is derek. he doesn't really struggle with this stuff at all and is fine with never turning on the tv as long as he can still watch is woodworking videos on the computer.
me? well, i watched 1.5 episodes of "flashpoint" the other day while cleaning my room and folding laundry. i definitely kept the remote control close at hand and had to switch it off super fast when charis surprised me by opening my door. and i don't really feel guilty about watching that (though i did not want her to see me watching tv because then SHE'd want to watch tv)... we're probably going to cancel our cable (what little we have of it) and opt to continue with netflix and whatever hd we can pull down off the antenna. i'm discovering that i'm beyond the nervous need to turn on the tv...i don't need it for noise...i don't even have to have the radio on anymore. the silence isn't bothering me the way it used to.
but things are so much still the same.
i've been thinking a lot about discipline this past week after my last post...wondering what it means... is it what you do when no one is watching? what you do because you know you should, even though you don't want to? self denial? doing right when others would do wrong? doing things the right way instead of the easy way? patience? i suppose it's all of these.
if i've learned anything in life it's that when we follow God's prompting, the destination (and the journey) never looks like we expect it to. i didn't expect to be here. here is... disgusted at my utter lack of discipline in life in general, and overwhelmed at the prospective journey of becoming disciplined.
how does one go about becoming disciplined?
cs lewis writes in mere christianity that while we ought to love our neighbor, perhaps we don't want to...he suggests that we should pretend to love our neighbor -- do all the things outwardly we would do if we did -- and soon we will find that we actually DO love our neighbor. is this just hypocrisy? or can this type of attitude lead to change of heart? does it only work with people? (for example, i do know that praying for someone i don't like generally leads me to liking them)...but can i pretend i am disciplined, do all the things outwardly that make me appear to be disciplined, and find later that my heard has adapted to this new way of life? or must it begin in the heart?
i do feel that God prodded me to turn off the TV, turn off the facebook, etc...so that i could see that although i've always thought these temptations were the problem keeping me from Him...they in fact are not. they really are just distracting vices...while the real issue here is just discipline.
i have no idea how to get it. but i have a feeling it is not a destination, but a journey (thank you, ric hordinski for giving song to this thought), and one for which i cannot see the path. am i even capable, as a person, of changing this in myself? or do i really have to just let God do all the work here?
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
day 5 :: oh...discipline.
perhaps my greatest character flaw is my lack of personal discipline. i'm sure there are dozens of other issues in my life that stem from this one problem area...never being caught up with laundry, getting things done only when the deadline is looming large, why i can never eat just one cookie, etc. so if i was disciplined, i would do a load or two of laundry a day, and i'd never be behind. if i was disciplined, i would work a little at a time instead of waiting till the last minute to complete projects. discipline is about self-denial, putting "the right thing" ahead of what i want in this moment...something i have never been good at. lack of discipline means i am a procrastinator. it also means i have great difficulty doing anything in moderation.
this one fact (my inability to do things in moderation) is probably why i became a vegetarian. it's also probably why my best past successes at changing anything in my life come about as a result of a complete fast...and not of just cutting back. i don't do gray. fuzzy lines are...easy to justify making fuzzier. and my lack of discipline means i gravitate towards doing just that. just how much can i get away with before someone says something? i'm pretty sure God doesn't appreciate this kind of living.
so here we are on day 5 and i realize i have no discipline. i guess i thought that after a few days of no tv, no netflix, no movies, no facebook, some things would have changed around our house. like said laundry. sort of assumed that would be caught up in a couple days. nope. still have mounds of clean laundry in upstairs, waiting to be folded, dangerously close to intermingling with the dirty laundry on the floor every time someone goes looking for a clean shirt. and the kitchen -- sort of thought that would just be in a state of perpetual clean, now that i have sooooo much extra time on my hands. but again, nope. counters waiting to be wiped down, dirty dishes waiting to be filed in the empty dishwasher.
granted, i am playing with the kids a lot more. charis is doing lots of crafts...and by the way is really being a trooper about this whole thing -- can you imagine waking up one day and all of a sudden you aren't allowed to do something you love anymore? she still asks a few times a day to watch shows, but she has been very good about it and is now whining over wanting to do more crafts instead of whining about wanting to watch another show. we've been feeding her technology urges by letting her read an interactive book on the ipad before bed...and i did break down in the grocery store yesterday and gave her my ipod to play on. but she was very obedient when i told her she could do books or games, but no movies. i definitely heard some angry birds at one point.
so yes, i'm playing with the kids more...derek and i have been talking more in the evenings, which is definitely good and will hopefully continue. and i have been doing more quiet times, reading the Bible... but the thing is, i'm still filling all my time with "other things." the hard truth is that if i don't discipline myself to do the things i know i should be doing, i'll still find other things to do instead, regardless of what kinds of distractions i allow to be available to me. that to say, all my lazy tv/internet/netflix/facebook time is still unproductive time, for the most part...and i'm beginning to see that the things we've cut out aren't the problem...they're just big ugly symptoms.
this one fact (my inability to do things in moderation) is probably why i became a vegetarian. it's also probably why my best past successes at changing anything in my life come about as a result of a complete fast...and not of just cutting back. i don't do gray. fuzzy lines are...easy to justify making fuzzier. and my lack of discipline means i gravitate towards doing just that. just how much can i get away with before someone says something? i'm pretty sure God doesn't appreciate this kind of living.
so here we are on day 5 and i realize i have no discipline. i guess i thought that after a few days of no tv, no netflix, no movies, no facebook, some things would have changed around our house. like said laundry. sort of assumed that would be caught up in a couple days. nope. still have mounds of clean laundry in upstairs, waiting to be folded, dangerously close to intermingling with the dirty laundry on the floor every time someone goes looking for a clean shirt. and the kitchen -- sort of thought that would just be in a state of perpetual clean, now that i have sooooo much extra time on my hands. but again, nope. counters waiting to be wiped down, dirty dishes waiting to be filed in the empty dishwasher.
granted, i am playing with the kids a lot more. charis is doing lots of crafts...and by the way is really being a trooper about this whole thing -- can you imagine waking up one day and all of a sudden you aren't allowed to do something you love anymore? she still asks a few times a day to watch shows, but she has been very good about it and is now whining over wanting to do more crafts instead of whining about wanting to watch another show. we've been feeding her technology urges by letting her read an interactive book on the ipad before bed...and i did break down in the grocery store yesterday and gave her my ipod to play on. but she was very obedient when i told her she could do books or games, but no movies. i definitely heard some angry birds at one point.
so yes, i'm playing with the kids more...derek and i have been talking more in the evenings, which is definitely good and will hopefully continue. and i have been doing more quiet times, reading the Bible... but the thing is, i'm still filling all my time with "other things." the hard truth is that if i don't discipline myself to do the things i know i should be doing, i'll still find other things to do instead, regardless of what kinds of distractions i allow to be available to me. that to say, all my lazy tv/internet/netflix/facebook time is still unproductive time, for the most part...and i'm beginning to see that the things we've cut out aren't the problem...they're just big ugly symptoms.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
my crazy idea.
ever wonder why people make new year's resolutions so easily, and give up something frivolous for lent...but it seems drastic changes in our personal lives outside of these socially accepted milestones are viewed as being a little over the top? maybe that's just my perception.
sometimes i get inspired ideas...thoughts of something amazing that i should do. but a few hours or days later, that idea seems just crazy. for example, i think about people in the Bible who sell everything they have and give it to the poor. that is a radical concept, and certainly inspired. but maybe the day after you have that first inkling, the whole thing just seems ridiculous. why would i go that far, when i can just volunteer a day at a soup kitchen? or give a little extra at church this week? why would i hold myself to that insane idea i had, when no one else expects me to actually do it?
so most of my inspired ideas end up forgotten whims...and some are half-finished projects in my sewing closet.
but a few weeks ago, i had another of those ideas. what if we completely cut technology out of our lives for a month? cell phones...tv...computers...radio... what if we wrote letters instead of email? what if we had an open door policy and encouraged friends to pop in for a visit, whenever? and unlike most of my crazy ideas, this one stuck a bit.
i told derek about it...(a dumb thing to do if i didn't want to be held accountable to actually trying it)...he liked it.
so it's been a couple weeks and we've been figuring out when is a good time to start something like this? it's kind of like trying to plan a good time to have a kid...there's no perfect time, you just have to dive in.
so here we are. day one.
it became obvious as we were contemplating this craziness that a complete cut off from technology was pretty much impossible. as a pampered chef consultant, i need to be using my business web site and answering emails, not to mention calling people on the phone. plus, what would my gmail account look like if i didn't log in for a whole month?? i also need to use the computer for freelance design work. and what about checking the weather? what about looking up directions (since we don't have any paper maps)? what about emergencies?
so we began to look at the reasons why we wanted to take on this crazy idea, and make our ground rules based on attacking specific issues.
1. i (megan) want to spend time with God.
i've been struggling spiritually for a long time now...years. and whenever i pray about it, asking God what do i need to do?? i always hear him prodding me that the first step is to be reading His Book. of course, i know this is the first step. i've known for years. but making the time...ah. with two kids and a house that is never clean, there are plenty of distractions and excuses. tv is just the biggest one. i've gone on tv fasts before...and they've been good...but never this long.
2. charis is one step away from netflix instant queue addiction.
i admit. we've gotten lazy with her. my word, the girl knows how to find her shows and start them on her own with the wii-remote. and with everything that's been going on in our house with projects...with timon...with just wanting a break...it is too easy to let her watch "one more show"...especially when you get a meltdown if you don't give in. this is why it's so important to address that behavior now. and i don't mean her meltdowns...i mean our complacency. (though i'm much worse than derek is.) so now we will lead by example. it will be much easier to tell her "no" when we're not watching anything either. plus, we want to focus her more on playing outside...doing crafts...creative play.
3. we want to spend our time focusing more on each other and those around us.
i have a sneaking suspicion that all those things i "don't have time for" will seem much more feasible without all the time i'm sinking into other distractions.
4. to break some cycles.
our night time routine is currently this: dinner. play with kids. get kids to bed. watch a movie or seinfeld in bed. fall asleep. derek and i want more for our time together, and we need to get out of our nighttime cycle...talk more...hang out more...
5. sometimes you just have to take things a little too far.
did you know i used to be a vegetarian? yeah. for like two years. why? because i hated vegetables. i hated vegetables, and i decided that i should be a vegetarian so that i could learn to like vegetables. i WANTED to like vegetables. so i forced myself to eat them more. and it actually worked. i now like vegetables. (i still hate mushrooms, but they're not vegetables anyway.) so now, i WANT to turn off the tv and read the Bible. i WANT to stop cruising the internet and play with charis more. i WANT to have a quiet home where time is enjoyed and not squandered. but sometimes i have to go 100% the other way to get myself to a happy medium on the other side.
so here we are in a quasi techno-fast. yes, we will listen to music in the car. yes, we will maybe watch a movie once in a while on a date night -- when it's planned and not just habit. yes, i will use the interenet to look up a phone number if i need to. and we're not turning off our phones. but i won't be hanging around on facebook, i won't be spending a lot of time in email, and we will not be watching television (though i will turn on the tivo once in a while to delete old stuff.)
so if you're curious how it's going, check back here. i plan to keep a diary of sorts...we'll see how it goes.
is there something you've been wanting to give up but haven't had the discipline to do? i'd love to hear about it. what's getting in the way of you living your life the way you want to, the way you know God wants you to?
sometimes i get inspired ideas...thoughts of something amazing that i should do. but a few hours or days later, that idea seems just crazy. for example, i think about people in the Bible who sell everything they have and give it to the poor. that is a radical concept, and certainly inspired. but maybe the day after you have that first inkling, the whole thing just seems ridiculous. why would i go that far, when i can just volunteer a day at a soup kitchen? or give a little extra at church this week? why would i hold myself to that insane idea i had, when no one else expects me to actually do it?
so most of my inspired ideas end up forgotten whims...and some are half-finished projects in my sewing closet.
but a few weeks ago, i had another of those ideas. what if we completely cut technology out of our lives for a month? cell phones...tv...computers...radio... what if we wrote letters instead of email? what if we had an open door policy and encouraged friends to pop in for a visit, whenever? and unlike most of my crazy ideas, this one stuck a bit.
i told derek about it...(a dumb thing to do if i didn't want to be held accountable to actually trying it)...he liked it.
so it's been a couple weeks and we've been figuring out when is a good time to start something like this? it's kind of like trying to plan a good time to have a kid...there's no perfect time, you just have to dive in.
so here we are. day one.
it became obvious as we were contemplating this craziness that a complete cut off from technology was pretty much impossible. as a pampered chef consultant, i need to be using my business web site and answering emails, not to mention calling people on the phone. plus, what would my gmail account look like if i didn't log in for a whole month?? i also need to use the computer for freelance design work. and what about checking the weather? what about looking up directions (since we don't have any paper maps)? what about emergencies?
so we began to look at the reasons why we wanted to take on this crazy idea, and make our ground rules based on attacking specific issues.
1. i (megan) want to spend time with God.
i've been struggling spiritually for a long time now...years. and whenever i pray about it, asking God what do i need to do?? i always hear him prodding me that the first step is to be reading His Book. of course, i know this is the first step. i've known for years. but making the time...ah. with two kids and a house that is never clean, there are plenty of distractions and excuses. tv is just the biggest one. i've gone on tv fasts before...and they've been good...but never this long.
2. charis is one step away from netflix instant queue addiction.
i admit. we've gotten lazy with her. my word, the girl knows how to find her shows and start them on her own with the wii-remote. and with everything that's been going on in our house with projects...with timon...with just wanting a break...it is too easy to let her watch "one more show"...especially when you get a meltdown if you don't give in. this is why it's so important to address that behavior now. and i don't mean her meltdowns...i mean our complacency. (though i'm much worse than derek is.) so now we will lead by example. it will be much easier to tell her "no" when we're not watching anything either. plus, we want to focus her more on playing outside...doing crafts...creative play.
3. we want to spend our time focusing more on each other and those around us.
i have a sneaking suspicion that all those things i "don't have time for" will seem much more feasible without all the time i'm sinking into other distractions.
4. to break some cycles.
our night time routine is currently this: dinner. play with kids. get kids to bed. watch a movie or seinfeld in bed. fall asleep. derek and i want more for our time together, and we need to get out of our nighttime cycle...talk more...hang out more...
5. sometimes you just have to take things a little too far.
did you know i used to be a vegetarian? yeah. for like two years. why? because i hated vegetables. i hated vegetables, and i decided that i should be a vegetarian so that i could learn to like vegetables. i WANTED to like vegetables. so i forced myself to eat them more. and it actually worked. i now like vegetables. (i still hate mushrooms, but they're not vegetables anyway.) so now, i WANT to turn off the tv and read the Bible. i WANT to stop cruising the internet and play with charis more. i WANT to have a quiet home where time is enjoyed and not squandered. but sometimes i have to go 100% the other way to get myself to a happy medium on the other side.
so here we are in a quasi techno-fast. yes, we will listen to music in the car. yes, we will maybe watch a movie once in a while on a date night -- when it's planned and not just habit. yes, i will use the interenet to look up a phone number if i need to. and we're not turning off our phones. but i won't be hanging around on facebook, i won't be spending a lot of time in email, and we will not be watching television (though i will turn on the tivo once in a while to delete old stuff.)
so if you're curious how it's going, check back here. i plan to keep a diary of sorts...we'll see how it goes.
is there something you've been wanting to give up but haven't had the discipline to do? i'd love to hear about it. what's getting in the way of you living your life the way you want to, the way you know God wants you to?
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