perhaps my greatest character flaw is my lack of personal discipline. i'm sure there are dozens of other issues in my life that stem from this one problem area...never being caught up with laundry, getting things done only when the deadline is looming large, why i can never eat just one cookie, etc. so if i was disciplined, i would do a load or two of laundry a day, and i'd never be behind. if i was disciplined, i would work a little at a time instead of waiting till the last minute to complete projects. discipline is about self-denial, putting "the right thing" ahead of what i want in this moment...something i have never been good at. lack of discipline means i am a procrastinator. it also means i have great difficulty doing anything in moderation.
this one fact (my inability to do things in moderation) is probably why i became a vegetarian. it's also probably why my best past successes at changing anything in my life come about as a result of a complete fast...and not of just cutting back. i don't do gray. fuzzy lines are...easy to justify making fuzzier. and my lack of discipline means i gravitate towards doing just that. just how much can i get away with before someone says something? i'm pretty sure God doesn't appreciate this kind of living.
so here we are on day 5 and i realize i have no discipline. i guess i thought that after a few days of no tv, no netflix, no movies, no facebook, some things would have changed around our house. like said laundry. sort of assumed that would be caught up in a couple days. nope. still have mounds of clean laundry in upstairs, waiting to be folded, dangerously close to intermingling with the dirty laundry on the floor every time someone goes looking for a clean shirt. and the kitchen -- sort of thought that would just be in a state of perpetual clean, now that i have sooooo much extra time on my hands. but again, nope. counters waiting to be wiped down, dirty dishes waiting to be filed in the empty dishwasher.
granted, i am playing with the kids a lot more. charis is doing lots of crafts...and by the way is really being a trooper about this whole thing -- can you imagine waking up one day and all of a sudden you aren't allowed to do something you love anymore? she still asks a few times a day to watch shows, but she has been very good about it and is now whining over wanting to do more crafts instead of whining about wanting to watch another show. we've been feeding her technology urges by letting her read an interactive book on the ipad before bed...and i did break down in the grocery store yesterday and gave her my ipod to play on. but she was very obedient when i told her she could do books or games, but no movies. i definitely heard some angry birds at one point.
so yes, i'm playing with the kids more...derek and i have been talking more in the evenings, which is definitely good and will hopefully continue. and i have been doing more quiet times, reading the Bible... but the thing is, i'm still filling all my time with "other things." the hard truth is that if i don't discipline myself to do the things i know i should be doing, i'll still find other things to do instead, regardless of what kinds of distractions i allow to be available to me. that to say, all my lazy tv/internet/netflix/facebook time is still unproductive time, for the most part...and i'm beginning to see that the things we've cut out aren't the problem...they're just big ugly symptoms.
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